Baddest Women on the Planet: Suzanne Malveaux

Yes, the BSG has found another gem. ..and this time we bring you a heavy-duty, power hitter from the neck UP.. The BSG is proud to induct CNN's own Suzanne [Sue-zahn] Malveaux into its pantheon of bodacious beauties known as the BSG's "Baddest Women on the Planet". ..and yes, she IS "bad".

Unbeknownst to many, Ms. Malveaux has a degree from Harvard and a Masters in journalism from Columbia. Imagine.."looks" and BRAINS to match.

Personally, we're glad Mr. Obama is happily married, because if Suzanne were following The Professor around on HIS presidential candidacy, you can bet there'd be some "scandal" in the back of the campaign jet.

So, as is tradition, WE SALUTE YOU, Suzanne Malveaux.. Go on wit' ya bad self!

The NBA Playoffs... or "How I am trying to Wean Myself off of Professional Sports Once and For All"

I’m not watching the NBA playoffs this year. I didn’t really watch all that much of last year’s playoffs either.

The NBA sucks. There. I said it.

I will admit tho’ that the Western Conference was entertaining..as I watched the HIGHLIGHTS on ESPN. I refused to watch an entire game, EVEN in the West.



I have to admit, I really enjoyed seeing the hornets and Chris Paul lighting it up, when no one thought, or KNEW, they had a chance in hell to do ANYTHING.

Seeing the sometimes 7-team race for no. 1 was truly surprising and a welcome change from the forever-tiresome National “Boring” Association.

There were times when you thought the Spurs were just waiting to erupt, even tho’ I knew they were drained from playing all those games long into June.. [the season is WAY too long].



There were the Utah Jazz [who MUST change their name! There IS NO JAZZ in freekin UTAH!]. You had to know Jerry Sloane had something up his sleeve. And with Deron Williams tearin up the point, it was fun watching the “Jazz” keep pace with the perennials.



Then there was them got-damn LAKERS. Everybody’s favorite team to HATE.



The Zen-Master and his No. 1 assassin, the Mamba were always scratching at No. 1. Every time I looked up I had to see Kobe slammin on somebody’s dome and then givin’ them that “..now you know you caint stop me…so why even try??” look.



Can’t forget about Tracy Mac’s Houston squad that was killin fools mid-season with Philly’s own “Skip-To-My-Lou” doin his best And-1 imitations on the Association courts.. HAD TO LUV THAT. I was really happy for T-Mac. But we all knew it wouldn’t last and that with, or WITHOUT Big Ming, the Rocks were getting BOUNCED in the first round..



I wasn’t watching their games either..

And how bout them TRADES. Woooo! Had to luv the big-boy trades this season, huh? Pow-Pow goin to the Lake-show from Elvis-town.. Shaq-too-old-to-be-a-Diesel being let out of the HEAT directly into the SUN only to get his ass burnt up.



And can’t forget the Kidd going to the Mavs only to be treated like a “kid” by a KID (Paul) in the first round.



Oh what fun it was…and I never watched a game. Oh and by the way, notice I haven’t mentioned the East. Well, that’s because the “East” is really not in the NBA, they’re kind of a “C” league. Kind of a cross between the old CBA and the Harlem Globetrotters of ’79. You get the picture..and it aint pretty.



Luv the Ceatles tho’. Like Jesus. Like the Ticket. Like Stabby Pierce.



Actually..Like Doc (Rivers) too.. [he’ll never be the “real” “Doc”, so let's just call him "Glenn".]


So I like the Ceatles. And they won 66 this year. One more game than my beloved ’83 Sixers won when they tore up the League…WHEN IT WAS A LEAGUE!



But here’s the kicker.. Does any TRUE Basketball fan think:

1. The Ceatles 66 wins are as valid as ANY team in the 80’s winning 60-65 games? And..
2. The ’83 Sixers wouldn’t SWEEP these Celtics by an average margin of 20 points per game if they were to have a series today?

The proof is in the pudding.. KG’s Celts almost got bounced by the bibby-hawks… THE BIBBY-HAWKS!! ..you gotta be sh$%$#% me... Naaaah.. 66 wins “today” is worth about 40 wins in a REAL NBA. An NBA that is long dead.



And guess what.. I didn’t watch any of their games either.

So, I’m listening to folks talk about the NBA, with 1/3 of it foreign born players who actually have an acute knowledge of the game. I give them credit. Parker can PLAY. Barbosa can PLAY. Manu can PLAY. DUNCAN…can PLAY.



If it weren’t for the FOREIGNERS, the NBA would truly be a dead league. I’d almost rather watch highlights of “the Rucker”. But have you ever seen a Rucker game.. Well, if you like dudes that have no regard for team basketball and would get RUN out of a gym by a Div ll school, then you’ll LUV the Rucker.



But, believe it or not.. I sojourn on this blog to say that, not only does the NBA blow.. But I am trying..DESPERATELY..to wean myself off of basketball. And eventually, all professional sports in general.

There is mass interest in watching how these teams do. It is perplexing to me. I have friends that are really into seeing who wins these playoff games..(!!) I wonder.. “Why?”

It’s strange to me.



I have predicted that the Lakers will NOT win the championship this year.

If, by chance, the Lakers DO win the championship.. Guess what? I won’t care. Not one bit. Matter of fact, someone will probably have to TELL me if they win cause..(that's right) I probably won’t be watching.

Who do I want to win? Nobody. And everybody. It doesn’t matter. It’s entertainment. Its sports. It’s unimportant.

Professional athletes, at least in the major sports, are GAZILLIONAIRES. And ya know what..they don’t give a rat’s ass about YOU.

It always cracks me up to see those United Way commercials, or the NBA Cares commercials. You know these guys are going to these events because it’s in the contract. They’d do ANYTHING to get that check. And they’ll tell you too! The amazing thing is that nobody calls it for what it is.. GREED. But in America, “Greed is good”.


I’m not buying it. I don’t live thru NBA ballers. They are young, gifted and tall. And they don’t give two damns about the town they’re playing in or the fans that pay mortgage payments to see them run around and make money.

I’ve seen enough basketball. I watched the Gar Herd shot in my friend J.R.’s living room with him and his dad in 1976. I was 12. I also watched the earlier games of that series because I liked Jo Jo White because of his name..and also cause he looked weird to me.



I saw Rick Barry win his championship with Golden State.

I watched Dennis Johnson and Downtown Freddie Brown kill the Bullets in ’79.. I liked the fact that everybody on the Sonics wore a chain around their neck while playing.. I was 15.



I used to watch the ABA games on the old TVS stations in Holly Robinson’s brother’s (Matt Robinson) room.



Matt had a real-life steel hoop and backboard in his ROOM and I was astonished that his parents let him bounce a real basketball and shoot in a REAL hoop IN HIS ROOM! (entertainment people are truly strange).


I’ve seen enough basketball and the best of it is behind us..WAY behind us.

To me there have only been 3 individuals who could have made the jump from High school to the NBA. They are:

1. Wilt Chamberlain
2. Moses Malone
3. LeBron James

That is it. Even KAREEM “needed” Wooden’s tutelage AND the rule against dunking to allow big Lew to become a near “perfect” big-man.



..And yes I remember when dunking CAME BACK to college basketball.

The NBA playoffs are upon us yet again. ..yay.

A millionaire will hoist a gold trophy in the air wearing a baseball hat and a t-shirt saying that his team has won the championship. The millionaire will run to the locker room and get showered with champagne and will probably stick a nasty-tasting, stinky cigar in his mouth, doing his best impression of a corporate fat-cat or a syphilitic, 20’s era, Chicago gangster known for murdering people for a living. And millions will watch and be truly happy for that millionaire and that team.. That millionaire’s team winning will mean a joyous occasion for someone and a disgraceful day for someone else who has nothing better to do.

I’ve seen it all before and not once has one of those players come thru the TV set and asked me if I could share some of their money for winning, or if I could go to the after-party with them or, had the decency to thank me for watching them make even more money playing a kid’s game.

Nope... wont mean jack-sh$# to me.

The Ultra-Hot

I don’t know where I find the energy.. This weekend was, for all intents and purposes, a fully-booked vacation. The weird thing is that I never knew it was coming. I neither expected nor planned for the weekend I experienced.

In a nutshell, I went to traffic school..NOT GOOD, BUT..I met a 19-year old blonde; helped the buxom brunette who lives on a yacht in the marina with a leak she was having on the boat; left there to join my former band-mate at a bachelor party at his house over looking the bay..where, just so you know, a tall, sophisticated blonde and her youthful brunette playmate put on a full penetration porno show; then went to a beach-house party and played a few tunes with some musicians; THEN went downtown to party at my favorite club ‘til 2. That was merely Saturday’s schedule!

Sunday, I joined Ricci, his roommate “Lyte” (a graphic/airbrush artist from the Bronx) and Wes, an old friend of Ricci and I, for a little excursion to the San Diego Hard Rock Hotel for their weekly Vegas-style beach party.. This lasted all day long.

..Which brings us to this installment of the BSG.

I do not believe I need to bore you with the details of each and every event that your Professor attended this fateful weekend.. ohh no. The story of this installment is that I am the parakeet and YOU are the coal-miner. I am the messenger, here. And I am telling you..something is going on in Southern California.

I live in the land of the “Ultra-Hot”. It’s not that the general public doesn’t already realize that this part of the planet is not overrun with the “scourge” of the beautiful human being.. No. What’s going on here is much more sinister.

As temperatures rise, as fuel prices rise, as anger, animus and anxiety all rise…so goes the flight of the beautiful person from their dinky little town to la la land; to disney land; to endless summer; to paradise... which just happens to be in my backyard.

What I witnessed at the Hard Rock was nothing short of spectacular…and unnerving.

Why are they here..?

We’ve discussed in the past the “reasons” for the beautiful person “migration” to sunny California. We’ve discussed the “weather”, Hollywood, the “options” to do and be whoever, whatever, HOWever you want to be..

But… there is something else.

These Ultra-Hot individuals are starting to turn up in greater numbers. The Ultra-Hot are breeding with each other and producing otherworldly entities that “pass” for human beings but they are much closer to “Titans” as far as I’m concerned.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titan_(mythology)

During our stay at the Hard Rock, Ricci, Lyte, Wes and I had the privilege of being invited to join a modeling troupe who were tasked with modeling a new brand of underclothing called “Big-Headed”.

To our obvious chagrin (I’m being sarcastic) we had to sit and watch perhaps 12 of the finest human beings to grace the planet earth be fitted for, prance around in and be photographed in tight fitting underwear for about 2 hours… OH THE SHAME OF IT!

There were names like “Sofia” and “Angelica” and "Tristen".. they were Blonde, brunette, highlighted-off-color, very short, model-tall, Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, Black/White/Japanese…and some were…well we DON’T REALLY KNOW for sure..But one thing I know they were NOT…and that would be UGLY.

Ricci said something very interesting as we watched this parade of earthly lusciousness stand at attention for the bevy of photographers, including our good friend Wes… Ricci made me take note that the vision of those people on “that stage” was like looking at a live and in person Benetton ad. There was literally every “shade” of pigment that you can imagine represented. At that moment, Brazil had NOTHING on my little part of southern California. At that moment, San Diego, Cali WAS the center of the universe..And it was good. I didn’t care to be anywhere else in the world…except maybe in the apartment of one of those models I was staring at. (There were male models there too, but we aint talking ‘bout them.)

There was a model we dubbed “Crazy Eyes”. Oh how her parents MUST be proud. Ricci and I literally believe Crazy Eyes can see in the dark. Ricci says her eyes are gray. I think her eyes are aqua/green.. The truth is that her eyes are translucent and ridiculous. No human being on the planet should have eyes that look like that and she should be arrested immediately. Her looks are an inherent HAZARD and she should be put under house arrest until she ages and is fit for human viewing. She’ll STILL be the finest MILF on the block when she’s let out in 20 years, but AT LEAST she can walk down the street without causing a traffic calamity. ..I’m not joking. (By the way.. “Crazy Eyes” is the 2nd from the left in the below photo.)

Then there was…ALIEN. (ALIEN on the left, Crazy Eyes on the right)

Ricci and I have gone back and forth all morning discussing this Cloverfield-esque monstrosity. In my 11 years here in San Diego, I’ve seen some monsters with colorful names:

there was Elizabeth, codename: "Ms. Superbad";
there was Kristy, codename: "FitMod";
there was Monica, codename: "Too Tight";
there was Misty, codename: "Supa’star";
there was Janelle, codename: "Typhoon";

..All the extreme of the EXTREME…

But never have I seen a creature such as the Black/White/Japanese conglomeration of human being named Angelica, who Ricci and I proclaimed as codename: "ALIEN".

Alien could not have been called anything else BUT “Alien”. In reality, I’m not sure if she really is “of this Earth”(?)

(ALIEN is in the facing pic in the middle and in the "line-up" pic above 2nd from the left)

Alien, with heels (god bless her) stands about 5-9. From top of her head hair follicle-to-tip of the toenail, this woman is as close to perfection as I’ve ever seen.

She is lean, muscular and BUILT...but in a finesse sort of way. It was obvious she worked out, but it wasn’t obvious that she worked out every day.

She has the body “stylings” of a svelte, athletic Black woman, but the subtleties and the “lines” of a statuesque White woman.

She has a Black woman’s butt, but “nuanced” by the White and Japanese woman in her.

Her face is flawless. The Japanese DNA seems to have made her face very “soft”, and her eyes are somewhat Asian-like but not enough to allow your brain to think “Asian” immediately when you first see her.

Her complexion is coffee latte, heavy on the cream.. I swear I could “smell” the amoretto as she walked by.. There are some women men want to “eat”, they look so good. This girl made you want to DRINK her. Just smooooothe all the way down.. NEVER have I seen a woman that I wanted to “drink”. Absolutely astonishing.

Seeing “Alien” in little more than underwear was a great thing indeed. However, it wasn’t until, as fate would have it, that I happened to run into her again later on that evening on the streets of downtown San Diego did I bear the full brutality of this girl’s presence.

As I was standing outside a famous sushi restaurant in downtown San Diego, after my day at the Hard Rock, I was talking on my phone to my friend BernaDave..waiting for my sushi. As I’m talking to him, noticing the sights, I happened to look down the street. About a block and a half down I noticed this “shape” strutting in my direction. Now mind you, from that distance I could ONLY tell that what I was looking at was a woman..a fully realized, grown-ass WOMAN..and she was WALKIN!

I quickly interrupted my conversation with Bernadave and exclaimed: MY GOD..! this town is teaming with hot chicks…DAMN!” I continued to watch in anxious anticipation as the creature came closer and closer into view. I stared incessantly.

At first I thought this “shape” was that of a transplanted Miami-lawyer, whom I met months earlier, who was heavily into fitness. She had come out here with her boyfriend (bad-idea) and somehow things “didn’t work out” (go figure).

But as the “shape” inched closer I could see that THIS particular creature was taller than I had remembered the lawyer had been..and this woman was clearly more strident in her walk, almost a “professional” walk..

As the woman came closer, the horror built to a crescendo..my worst fears and greatest excitement came to pass as I realized that the monster approaching me was none other than..the ALIEN! I came to find out that Alien was just coming back from an audition for a network television show that was based on "Fear factor".

The Alien was so much more magnificent in CLOTHES than I had ever thought to imagine. I had not even ventured the thought that I had been admiring this person all day at the Hard Rock at her most BASIC! Alien had been 3 quarters NAKED the whole day! If Alien was the hottest chick on the planet with nearly NOTHING on…(gulp)… imagine… just imagine, this human being DRESSED to KILL…

The realization was akin to finding religion. What a chick. WHAT-A-CHICK!

Now, of course I tried to get my rap on. You HAVE to know that. And I knew she had a boyfriend because the dork was at the photo shoot and had the nerve to be one of the “models”. Believe-you-me..he didn’t look THAT good to be one of the models..But he DID bring the “stunner” so I can’t blame them for puttin him in. I also found out that she was no more than 22 years old and that she considered her boyfriend "old" because he was an ancient "30".

Alien stood in front of me looking me dead in the eyes. She was just as stunning up close..and had a very pleasant personality as well.

I watched her walk away until she turned the corner. She walked away as she had approached: by herself. Just another hot chick walking into the california sunset. I swore I heard theme music as she left..

I live in the land of the Ultra-Hot.

Not too much more to say about it, actually. And maybe everyone already knows this and I’m just having trouble getting used to it..

But I am saying this: I’m living in a place where “hot” is the norm. And it's getting "worse" by the day.

I’m just doing my level best to take advantage of it.